A robot walks into a bad and says "I need something to loosen me up."
So the bartender serves him a screwdriver.
So the bartender serves him a screwdriver.
Bad Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Not_an_IT_guy
- Start date
A frog visits a psychic . The psychic tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog is thrilled! “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”
“No, in her biology class.”
The frog is thrilled! “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”
“No, in her biology class.”
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said,
“Sorry, my fault.”
“Sorry, my fault.”
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks,
Is this stool taken?
Is this stool taken?
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit that went down.
Husband: What? Who?
Wife: Who? My ass cheeks!
Husband: What? Who?
Wife: Who? My ass cheeks!
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the ark hives!
In the ark hives!
Why was the rookie police officer assigned to hunt the cannibal?
The more seasoned officers had already been eaten.
The more seasoned officers had already been eaten.
Why is It spelled "camouflage" and not
A chinois, a sieve, and a colander were all engaged in a poly-dating scenario.
Needles to say it was a strained relationship
Needles to say it was a strained relationship
A guy is having a bunch of weird symptoms so he goes to the doctor to get a diagnosis. After a bevy of tests he is sitting in the waiting room and the doctor comes in to tell him the results. He says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are going to get a disease named after you...."
Come to think of it, the doctors should be saying, "I'm going to get a disease named after me!"
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I needed dental work, but was broke. The good news is that I found a dentist willing to do it for a dollar.
The bad news is now I have buck teeth.
The bad news is now I have buck teeth.
What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
The drummer.
The drummer.
What the difference between a drummer and a mutual fund?
The mutual fund eventually matures and makes money
The mutual fund eventually matures and makes money
Two vultures, mates, are sitting in a high tree. One spots something on the ground.
"Say," she says, "that could make a meal."
"Oh," says he, following her gaze and spotting the small, dead rodent. "That's not enough for two, though."
"You're right," she says. "You can have it."
"No, dear," he says," that's okay. You go ahead. Carrion without me."
"Say," she says, "that could make a meal."
"Oh," says he, following her gaze and spotting the small, dead rodent. "That's not enough for two, though."
"You're right," she says. "You can have it."
"No, dear," he says," that's okay. You go ahead. Carrion without me."
Last night I watched a documentary on peanut butter.
It was jarring.
It was jarring.
Why shouldn't you befriend the pot-smoking janitor?
It is best to avoid high maintenance people
It is best to avoid high maintenance people
From a friend:
It's the end of our vacation and we're two hours late taking off at Charles de Gaulle. It was Paris Fuelers’ day off.
It's the end of our vacation and we're two hours late taking off at Charles de Gaulle. It was Paris Fuelers’ day off.
I had a really great conversation with a dolphin today!
We just clicked!
We just clicked!
Did you hear about the singer who got his penis stuck in a hydraulic press?
He screamed in D Flat.
He screamed in D Flat.
Why do they ask you "Paper or plastic?" at the checkout?
Because baggers can't be choosers.
Because baggers can't be choosers.
A screwdriver walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The screwdriver replies, “You have a drink named Philip?”
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The screwdriver replies, “You have a drink named Philip?”
A young college student decides to spend her first summer break abroad with the first stop being Germany. Naturally at 4AM jet lag wakes her up and, since sleep is impossible, she decides to go for a walk along the Rhine. As she is walking she sees this guy jogging in the opposite direction on the path and pays it no mind. When he gets closer however, she realizes that the only thing he is wearing is a pair of running shoes. In her ignorance, she has been walking on the 'clothing optional' section of park. Completely shocked, she just stops and stares as the man jogs up.
Naturally, seeing someone staring at him, he stops and says "was, was is los?" She just looks at him, looks down and declares "GROSS!". At which point the man says "danke" and keeps running.
Naturally, seeing someone staring at him, he stops and says "was, was is los?" She just looks at him, looks down and declares "GROSS!". At which point the man says "danke" and keeps running.
Reminds me of a bar in Hamburg where there were two containers for restroom usage fees. The one labeled "klein" was 50 Pfennig while the one labeled "groß" was 1DM. 
My local bar is a 10 minute walk from my house and a 40 minute walk back, the differences are staggering.
I signed up for my company's 401k, but I'm worried because I've never run that far before.
During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.
Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin' stop doin' it then ya evil bastard!"
Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin' stop doin' it then ya evil bastard!"
Inappropriate content: this is wildly inappropriate for our forums. Official Warning issued for Posting Guidelines violations.
I learned recently to not ask a Jewish woman for her number. They have names now.
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morning: want to sleep
afternoon: dying to sleep
evening: can't sleep
afternoon: dying to sleep
evening: can't sleep
I've seen this license plate frame a few times around (and I saw it again today!) Doubt it's the same car.
The top part says Su-pa-suri-pe which of course translates to "super sleepy"
always tired ACRYLIC (white) ~ license plate frame
***Please take care when installing, and do not over-tighten. Gloss White Acrylic*** 4mm thick Available in Black / Oil Slick* text 1 frame per purchase スーパースリーピー katakana phonetically spells out "SUPER SLEEPY" US/CANADA STANDARD FIT - Designed to fit all standard 12.25"x6.25" novelty/license...
triplecatdeluxe.com
While watching 2-3 hours of TV shows/movie in the evening: fighting to keep from dozing off the final 30 minutes.
After TV/movie is finished: suddenly wide awake for several hours.