Parenting your parents

Not_an_IT_guy

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Found out yesterday that my FiL who is already suffering minor cognitive decline and fairly serious memory decline likes to regularly and deliberately engage scammers so that he can "beat them".

This at least explains the last several years of monthlyish account breaches and random withdrawals.

If one talks to him he becomes very defensive is not angry and has expressed no desire to stop.
 

DrWebster

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So, anyone have a good metric on when to have a talk about "should you still be driving?" For long slow gradual declines in skill, how do you pick a threshold for when to have that conversation?
I haven't gotten there with my parents yet, but I've been thinking about this too. If they've gotten in an accident recently that was their fault due to impairment, then clearly it's time to take the keys away. Hopefully you aren't at that point yet. Otherwise I'd look at their physical and mental ability; if they have trouble walking, for example, then they're likely lacking the fine motor control and quick reflexes you need to drive safely. Likewise, if they get confused often, their attention drifts or they fall asleep easily then those would be good signs too. I think in a lot of cases it's pretty clear when it's time -- one could argue that if you're even worried that they shouldn't be driving, that means it's time they stop. Getting them to comply is probably the hardest part.
 

rain shadow

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adding to the pile....

vision: do they complain or mention that they have trouble with oncoming headlights or seeing things at night, reading highway signs, color blindness (which can occur later in life, it's not always congenital)

medications: sleep medications, anti-anxiety meds, combining either with booze, that really reduces reaction time and position/vector judgements

dementia: one of the (many) possible symptoms is short temper. if this is at all evident, look for any signs of road rage. If they get lost or confused about where they are that is also bad.

dmv: several states have an age limit where they require more frequent written and/or vision testing.

medical guidance: their doctor may be required to report anything that would interfere with driving competence, depends on the state

transportation remains a need: driving isn't a right, but it's kind of a necessity to get to the grocery store or medical appointments. Take away the privilege and you're on the hook to chauffeur them around now. if they can properly use uber or lyft apps that is good. Ideally their spouse might still be competent to drive.

There may be a transition period where they can still kind of drive, but they should limit it to short trips, known locations, daylight hours, late-morning/early afternoon if they are taking sleep meds or drinking in the evening, make sure they have a practical car that is big enough to be comfortable, small enough to maneuver in a parking lot.
 
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KT421

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So, anyone have a good metric on when to have a talk about "should you still be driving?" For long slow gradual declines in skill, how do you pick a threshold for when to have that conversation?

My mom took away my dad's keys after his stroke, and the hospital reported the stroke to the DMV so his license was cancelled anyways, but that's not exactly the same as restricting someone from driving. Dad can't walk to the car by himself, nor can he operate the pedals if he actually managed to get in, so the risk of him going for a spin is low.

Mom will resist giving up her keys until she kills someone, possibly herself. It helps that in California, where she is, drivers over 70 need to take a vision test when renewing their license. But I visit them maybe twice a year; I can't police her driving from here and even if I could I have limited levers to pull to influence her.

I mean, she's got 3 cars for a single driver family. The idea of selling the giant 20+ year old Yukon XL land ship is abhorrent and I should feel bad for even bringing it up, apparently.
 

Quarthinos

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I was going to snark about taking the big gas guzzler from the 'rents, but I can figure out how to word it and remain within good taste, so I'll just say that I've met some elderly people who I'm glad I'm not related to, because I really wouldn't want to have the fight about taking their pride and joy from them for their own (and, more importantly, other's) safety.
 

Tom Foolery

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My issue with my folks is that my father regularly takes a "road beer" when he is going to my sisters' houses for functions. Yes, that does mean he drinks beer before, during, and after driving to the family functions. How did I discover this? I made the mistake of riding with my parents to my sister's house the last time I was visiting. I knew he did that back in my youth, but this is something that did not get enforced in Idaho back then.

I am heading to Idaho to visit friends and relatives this weekend, and to talk to Dad about the latest medical drama that seems to be unfolding. Wish me luck, my peoples.
 

Backstop

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There may be a transition period where they can still kind of drive, but they should limit it to short trips, known locations, daylight hours, late-morning/early afternoon if they are taking sleep meds or drinking in the evening, make sure they have a practical car that is big enough to be comfortable, small enough to maneuver in a parking lot.
That's where I'm at with my dad. A couple of months ago he got very lost on the way to meet me somewhere (like, the directions were, "Get on the highway going north, get off at the exit for X Road and turn into the first parking lot). A little while after I rode with him to the store and I was making a serious effort to not stomp on the imaginary brakes like how parents do with their teens learning to drive.

So far all I've been able to do is to get his promise that he will have a co-pilot if he goes anywhere other than to his regular store/doctor.pharmacy and back.
 

Thegn

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My dad is a fucking awful driver, and I've been working on him, but he doesn't listen to me at all about it. He's convinced his "offensive driving" strategy (for example: He tailgates like crazy, swerves through traffic if it's not going fast enough for him, spoiler, it's never going fast enough for him, and he brake checks trucks.) is The One Right Way To Drive. I won't let him drive me or anybody I care about.

It's one reason I'm trying to get my wife to agree to move to an urban area with a walkable neighborhood when we retire. I plan on giving up driving long before I need to.
 
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Defenestrar

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I'm grateful that my mom has the Subaru EyeSight or whatever the driver assistance stuff is. She's easily distracted and wanders around inside her lane a lot (and occasionally outside of it). Gentle correction by the car should help her for a while and the emergency braking gives me some peace of mind.

My dad had an accident that completely blinded him about a year after he retired - which mostly stopped him from driving. He occasionally moved a car around using his cane to feel the edge of the road or whatever. He did that more with his lawnmower though - took it across a bridge in his back yard by using the cane to ride a rail.

My mother-in-law had a cycling accident the first time she got on a bike in several decades just over a year ago. That resulted in her becoming a quadraplegic, but we were starting to wonder when we'd need to talk to her about driving.

My father-in-law will be the most impossible. He drove as the owner of a courier business for a couple of decades, and I don't think we'll ever convince him to give up driving. He worries us because he's also the primary transport for his wife (my mother-in-law) and his knees are so bad that he's barely mobile on his own. His approach to vehicle maintenance is to drive something until it's too broken to drive. That's not a good thing when he's got the only vehicle that can get his wife to doctor appointments or the hospital (short of an ambulance - and they're rural so only one of the county's vehicles is equipped to manage a quad without leaving her chair behind). Losing his license would essentially take away his mobility and he'd go over the top with passive-aggressive behavior (they live with my sister-in-law, at least for the time being). That would make a declining system worse…

Anyway, that's why I asked. We've got two older drivers in the family who will probably need to go through this in the next couple of years (although my mom might make it a decade or two more as a driver - she has a few long-lived relatives who didn't go via chemically assisted cancer).
 
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curih

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It's one reason I'm trying to get my wife to agree to move to an urban area with a walkable neighborhood when we retire. I plan on giving up driving long before I need to.
This is a very good answer. My parents just did that. Happens to also be my neighborhood which will help in the future. Mom has already voluntarily stopped driving at night. But everything gets a lot easier when a lot of stuff is walking distance or a very short uber/lyft/cab/whatever ride.
 

Klockwerk

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I've been in my father's town getting things ready to be sorted as he goes into permanent care, and today I took his two cats to be rehomed.

Over the past two or so months they have woken me up at 4am, they have meowed at my closed door to be let in, they have meowed for attention at the most inopportune times. They have also purred as they were scritched, they have finally trained me been trained by me to not wake me at 4am, and they have learned that I'm a warm body they can lie on in the increasingly cold nights.

It broke my heart today as I took them to the organization that will find them a new home, and I as looked upon them for the last time.

Farewell Meow Meow and Snowflake, may the people you meet shortly treat you as well as you should be treated.
 

Defenestrar

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So my parents in-law just asked if they could move into our basement and pay for part of the remodel that would be necessary to convert it to their needs. I don't think we can remodel for their needs (one is a quadriplegic and the other needs a walker and is seriously declining in his own mobility) and they are already up to 12 hours of professional assisted care per day (wake up, morning routine, feeding, PT, etc… transfer to bed). They want to move in with us because they're realizing that the free assistance they've gotten from one of their other daughters is now unavailable that she just had to have brain surgery for a terminal tumor (glioma). My wife's father is in absolute denial about how much care they need (and how impractical it is to convert our basement). This is tearing up my wife because she knows how impractical the situation is and how much financial and emotional drain it would put on our family (e.g. bye bye retirement and college savings and that's light compared to the psychological stress on our daughter whose got empathy through the roof and anxiety to match) - but the alternative is letting her parents go to a home they can only temporarily pay for (they didn't properly save) and then be at the mercy of those state institutions where even walking inside sucks the soul out of a person.
 

Defenestrar

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Do they have home equity they can tap into?
A number of years back they did a private rent-to-own sale of their house. When the tenants got divorced the one who stayed couldn't afford to continue rent, but found a new buyer (after a market boom) and my in-laws let him sell for the new price and keep the difference even though at that point he was technically just a tenant with no legal right to the equity... (FYI - rent to own is about the worst possible option out there for a tenant). They gave some of that money to my sister-in-law's family to live in that house for "as long as they could take care of themselves" which we've all stretched as far as possibly (and beyond) after my mother-in-law's accident which paralyzed her.

What nobody can figure out is how my father-in-law spent about $5k per month on his credit card (he mostly keeps his finances private) since they have almost no expenses (until having to pay for CNAs to help) and there weren't giant boxes of online orders showing up. We think he's given a lot to political candidates and not a small number of fake-sob stories. He also signed up for "investing classes" which probably weren't cheap and that group required students to use their own investing software and pay for investing reports. He used to talk about how much money he was going to make there… until he stopped having it as a favorite subject and won't bring it up anymore. A few years of that and there's not much left from the house sale. Maybe $50 to $100k as a wild guess. Really the only reason they were mostly ok in retirement (until the accident) is that my mother-in-law had a steady career as a nurse which resulted in a pension. She also made sure to have a LTC policy which has been covering a portion of the home nursing care. But those only go for so long.
 

Scotttheking

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Man, minor compared to you all...the wife has noted that her parents have slowed down mentally - her dad "scouted" dinner in the kitchen and then reported to the wife's mom in the family room...which I could hear entirely from the kitchen, and my mom's getting frustrating to plan trips with, but I don't really expect money to be a major issue for any of them.
 

Thegn

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That's... not an optimal situation. Sorry to hear that.

My step-mom has cancer. It's technically treatable, but it will reoccur, and it's fairly advanced so the treatment (which works roughly 80% of the time) may not work as well with her. She's decided not to seek treatment and go into hospice. The really horrible thing about this is that it's because my dad has alienated her sister, she's been an isolated shut-in since COVID (afraid literally to go out for fear of getting sick) and just doesn't feel she has anything left to live for, since my dad is a controlling asshole to her. (She's also afraid to leave him.) So she's going to let herself go.

She's 70.

There's been kind of a collective "wait a fucking second, we really don't want to end up miserable like our parents" moment between The Wife and me. Her parents are upset, my mom is slipping into dementia and driving everybody nuts, and, well, my dad.
 

Scotttheking

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That's... not an optimal situation. Sorry to hear that.

My step-mom has cancer. It's technically treatable, but it will reoccur, and it's fairly advanced so the treatment (which works roughly 80% of the time) may not work as well with her. She's decided not to seek treatment and go into hospice. The really horrible thing about this is that it's because my dad has alienated her sister, she's been an isolated shut-in since COVID (afraid literally to go out for fear of getting sick) and just doesn't feel she has anything left to live for, since my dad is a controlling asshole to her. (She's also afraid to leave him.) So she's going to let herself go.

She's 70.

There's been kind of a collective "wait a fucking second, we really don't want to end up miserable like our parents" moment between The Wife and me. Her parents are upset, my mom is slipping into dementia and driving everybody nuts, and, well, my dad.
I'm sorry dude. That sucks. Hugs.
 

rain shadow

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A few years of that and there's not much left from the house sale. Maybe $50 to $100k as a wild guess.

That's a worst case scenario from both angles. They don't have enough assets to pay for their own long term care, and they probably have too much assets to qualify for medicaid long term care (even assuming they live in a state where that's possible).
___

My dad needed care for about a year. His wife (not my mom) was a damned angel and shouldered most of the work. Their retirement income was enough to pay for their usual expenses, but long term care is thousands per month and they couldn't pay for it themselves. About all I could do was reduce contributions to my 401k and hand over the money so she could hire some help. The stock market was on a roll at the time so it didn't feel like a setback, even though it probably was.

The intrusive thought was that we knew he wouldn't last forever, so whatever burdens and costs we had to deal with were temporary. "Long term" in medical speak is 90 days or more, not necessarily 10+ years, which is what I tend to think long term means in every day speech. Not to be a jerk, but how fast are they declining? (Don't answer that, but it's something your family should ponder)

Final surprise was that when my dad finally died, his side of SSI and retirement income disappeared so his wife was kind of shocked when she realized she had to pay rent and food and bills all by herself, whereas formerly his share of retirement income was probably close to 65% of the total. I worked with her and we eliminated a bunch of silly "he signed up for what?!" bills and once the medical bills trailed off she was in an okay position.

One more intrusive thought is that if someone dies in your home in some states you have to disclose that and it really puts off buyers, reducing the market value of your home. I pondered moving my dad and his wife to our house (we have a spare bedroom) but it would have been 2nd floor (which made it a no-go) so I didn't have to give myself a guilt trip over being selfish about preserving my own home's value.

It helped that I loved and admired my father so I didn't really fret over anything, it was just another thing to deal with as a family. Having to deal with two people in decline at once would really suck though.

Advice-ish?

* if you and your wife and other family members can reduce retirement contributions, the cash flow might not be too big of an issue and you can hire help to take the place of their daughter not being available

* you or your wife should take over their finances, obtain durable power of attorney and medical power of attorney, and eliminate whatever unnecessary expenses you can

* even if they don't have much assets, create or update their wills/living will, funeral plans, etc

* possibly get a non-medical/non-nursing type person who can affordably just hang out with them overnight at baby-sitter rates and keep them company, get them drinks and snacks, etc without costing as much as physical care assistants. (I considered that but my dad's wife was willing and capable so I didn't pursue it much further.)

The overall goal being to allow them to stay where they are now, and just up the level of in-home care so they can be comfortable there without becoming a day-to-day care burden upon people who will not enjoy it (and who will build up anguish over the situation). Very likely they will continue to decline and need more care, but you can kick the can further down the road at least until inevitably $DEITY will take over long term care of them regardless of anything else.

And of course, I'm agreeing with everyone else, the situation sucks.
 
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Scotttheking

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Final surprise was that when my dad finally died, his side of SSI and retirement income disappeared so his wife was kind of shocked when she realized she had to pay rent and food and bills all by herself, whereas formerly his share of retirement income was probably close to 65% of the total. I worked with her and we eliminated a bunch of silly "he signed up for what?!" bills and once the medical bills trailed off she was in an okay position.
FYI, hopefully she claimed survivor benefits on SSI. Survivor gets to assume the spouse's benefit if it was higher. May be irrelevant in your situation, but posting in case anyone else ends up in a similar one.
 

rain shadow

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FYI, hopefully she claimed survivor benefits on SSI. Survivor gets to assume the spouse's benefit if it was higher. May be irrelevant in your situation, but posting in case anyone else ends up in a similar one.
Thanks for that, I will revisit the situation with her. It's a bit complex because they paid into a state-level retirement system for most of their lives so the rules are similar to but not exactly the same as SSI. My recollection was that her own proceeds were very slightly more than what she would have gotten via survivor benefits.
 

crombie

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Interesting enough my mother started the long-term care discussion last night. The frustrating thing is that so far she hasn't had unrecoverable issues. All of her current issues can be resolved if she decided to put the work in, but instead she has decided to just do nothing. It is frustrating, but it has also been a long, slow decline going on for over twenty years. There is no point in discussing it further as she is an expert at turning things around back on you or other family members. I am honestly surprised that she has managed to hold on this long.
 

Tom Foolery

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Interesting enough my mother started the long-term care discussion last night. The frustrating thing is that so far she hasn't had unrecoverable issues. All of her current issues can be resolved if she decided to put the work in, but instead she has decided to just do nothing. It is frustrating, but it has also been a long, slow decline going on for over twenty years. There is no point in discussing it further as she is an expert at turning things around back on you or other family members. I am honestly surprised that she has managed to hold on this long.
FWIW my father has had something similar go on, and has decided that should things get worse for him, he is going to forego treatment. We discussed it the last time I was in Boise, about a month ago, and I think a) he believes he can turn things around by making better lifestyle choices, and b) he most certainly will change his mind once he reaches the point where he will actually need to make that decision. The reason I went to Boise was ostensibly because of this drama, and I am a little miffed because that's exactly what it is: more drama. He is sick but not terminal, and there is one really simple lifestyle change that he can make, which is to quit drinking. It's a kidney issue with complications, but he seems to think that a beer or two a day really isn't affecting his kidneys. 🤦‍♂️

Not as bad off as most in this thread, and my parents have three other adult offspring who live in the Boise area to assist them.
 

Tom the Melaniephile

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FYI, hopefully she claimed survivor benefits on SSI. Survivor gets to assume the spouse's benefit if it was higher. May be irrelevant in your situation, but posting in case anyone else ends up in a similar one.
Calculating SSI survivor benefits is what caused me to drop my life insurance. With our retirement accounts and my upcoming pension, there's simply no need.
 

rain shadow

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Calculating SSI survivor benefits is what caused me to drop my life insurance. With our retirement accounts and my upcoming pension, there's simply no need.
We had a 20 year level pay plan but we signed on to that...20 years ago. So they started bumping the rates. It was term not whole anyway so there was no equity-related angst in cancelling.
 

rain shadow

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It sucks. I can’t give up sugar for same. It’s hard.
I switched from coke to coke zero about a month ago and it's still rough. Same amount of caffeine but it's just nervous energy now, not the figure-everything-out-and-act-instantly life force that I was used to. Overall a very weird experience.
 

Defenestrar

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We had a 20 year level pay plan but we signed on to that...20 years ago. So they started bumping the rates. It was term not whole anyway so there was no equity-related angst in cancelling.
The way I've always thought about it was that term life is for covering debts and expenses for the family while they need it (e.g. pay off the mortgage, replace lost income). By the time the kids are out of the house and said house paid off, there shouldn't be much need for term anymore. Whole life is more about passing on wealth in a way that bypasses certain taxes and such with the side bonus of being a life insurance policy if you die early.
 

Hap

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My wife and I both have pensions and healthy 401K plans. We'd be fine if SS folded. However, we are thinking of making a change and have yet to talk to financial advisor about it. Both our pensions follow the 50/50 rule. Basically you get 50% of the monthly income, but the survivor gets to continue receiving the benefit if you die. Since we both have decent pensions, we were thinking it might make more sense to take the 100% for each of us with no survivor benefit. Total income while we're both alive is much higher, but when one of us dies, income is not much different (a little to be fair) if we had stuck to the 50/50.
 
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Tom the Melaniephile

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My wife and I both have pensions and healthy 401K plans. We'd be fine if SS folded. However, we are thinking of making a change and have yet to talk to financial advisor about it. Both our pensions follow the 50/50 rule. Basically you get 50% of the monthly income, but the survivor gets to continue receiving the benefit if you die. Since we both have decent pensions, we were thinking it might make more sense to take the 100% for each of us with no survivor benefit. Total income while we're both alive is much higher, but when one of us dies, income is not much different (a little to be fair) if we had stuck to the 50/50.
That 50/50 rule is brutal. I think I only take a 15-20% cut to have my spouse continue to get the full amount. It's supposed to be cost-neutral to the pension plan, so it's not a fixed percentage (varies based on my age and beneficiary age).

I wouldn't do it for a 50% cut. Cheaper to just take 100% and buy some life insurance.

Eh, lemme go pull a fresh retirement estimate and I can give you an exact percentage.

Edit: Dammit. That functionality appears to be gone. I can only see the 100% estimate (pension ends when I die)
 
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keltorak

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That 50/50 rule is brutal. I think I only take a 15-20% cut to have my spouse continue to get the full amount. It's supposed to be cost-neutral to the pension plan, so it's not a fixed percentage (varies based on my age and beneficiary age).

I wouldn't do it for a 50% cut. Cheaper to just take 100% and buy some life insurance.

Eh, lemme go pull a fresh retirement estimate and I can give you an exact percentage.

Edit: Dammit. That functionality appears to be gone. I can only see the 100% estimate (pension ends when I die)
Kinda makes my plan sound much better (for those who have a partner), the survivor just gets 50% of the original pension from the person who died. It’s just the default, not an option to pick.

Since I’m currently the only one with a pension period, I really want to max it out in case I go before my wife.

Both parents have much better pensions than I’ll have, and they got them much earlier than I will.
 

Scotttheking

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My wife and I both have pensions and healthy 401K plans. We'd be fine if SS folded. However, we are thinking of making a change and have yet to talk to financial advisor about it. Both our pensions follow the 50/50 rule. Basically you get 50% of the monthly income, but the survivor gets to continue receiving the benefit if you die. Since we both have decent pensions, we were thinking it might make more sense to take the 100% for each of us with no survivor benefit. Total income while we're both alive is much higher, but when one of us dies, income is not much different (a little to be fair) if we had stuck to the 50/50.
100/100 sounds much smarter than 50/50. Touch more risk (as you described), wayyyy better reward.
 

Cognac

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So Dad collapsed again. This is the third one over the last 4/5 years. It's not a big deal, except that it's completely unpredictable and the doctors don't know what's causing it.

He's only in his 60s, and likes to spend long periods of time out bush by himself. The last time I brought the subject up he flat-out refused to change his ways, and isn't giving up his hobbies. Including going bush. By himself. For weeks at a time.

He has a satellite phone, but fat lot of good that's going to do if he not conscious to use it.

/rant
 

papadage

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I need to catch up with this thread. I have been dreading it.

My father-in-law and mother-in-law live with us and our two daughters. We need to get into a bigger house so each of our daughters can have their own room, and so my wife and I can have separate office space since we both work from home the vast majority of the time (100% for her and 80% for me).

My in-laws are both physically healthy except for a few minor issues, but my father-in-law is starting to slow down mentally and his memory is starting to go. He gets obsessed with his vegetable garden and starts repurposing stuff he finds to create trellises and frames to hang nets from to keep squirrels out. It's all on the side of the house and behind a tall fence, so I don't confront him to tell him to take it down.

There are a few issues, though.
  • When we move, it will be to a "nicer" area, and I don't want unsightly stuff in my garden.
  • We may be limited to how big a plot we will own, so we may have to tell him he can't garden except for a couple of planters and pots.
  • NJ housing prices are insane, and I worry about my in-laws having only a bedroom for themselves and the common areas when their health begins to fail. If we need home care, we may need more room for equipment and a hospital bed. My wife's family lives close by, and they all took care of her grandmother and grandfather until they passed on, one at a time.
We went to look at houses the other day and saw one that was nice, needing almost no work, and beautifully outfitted, with a pool and already done baths and kitchen. The reservation I have is about space. It's about 2,600 square feet, which is enough, but it does not have an extra room for the kids to use as a play/activity/study room. But perusing this thread makes me think about an additional room for eventual home care for my father-in-law.

But houses like that are extremely expensive in NJ, like $1.2 to $1.4M. We would need to cut our lifestyle down severely to afford that, and we would be on the edge of bankruptcy if one of us lost their job. Either that or we would need to start liquidating 401K accounts. My brother-in-law moved to SC two years ago, and we visited. I am trying to convince my wife to think about moving there. It would put her parents closer to both their kids and all four grandchildren, and while my brother-in-law is not in a position to help financially, he and his wife would be close by to help out occasionally.

It would also put us in a position to have a mortgage payment of a third of what we would need for a pretty large house in NJ, and we could conceivably pay it off in less than ten years.

I need to have a frank talk with my wife about her dad and what we'll need in a few years. She knows her father is fading, but it'll still be hard.
 

Backstop

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TL;DR - I wasted $500 without knowing it.

I got the little pop-up that Android was going to remove some permissions from the Bay Alarm app because I hadn't opened it in a while. Bay Alarm is a company that does what Life Alert more famously does, they have devices that people can use to call for help if they fall or get stuck. I bought a specific model of theirs that has fall detection, if the person falls and doesn't move within 20 seconds the device pipes up to ask if everything is OK.

So the app says my dad's device is off the network and has zero charge. I look at the history and there's no history for 60 days.

I ask my dad if he's been wearing the medical alert thing or not. He asks what I mean. I mean the thing you wear and if you fall you can call for help? He says that sounds like a good idea because he has fallen a few times recently, and if it's not too expensive he should like to have one.

I clarify I meant the one I bought him a year and a half ago. I have a bad feeling now. He says he's not sure but he will go look.

An hour later he calls and says that he remembers now he boxed it back up and sent it back to Bay Alarm. He was upset with it because it would randomly call the ambulance to his location which was embarrassing. At a car show, here comes an ambulance. Out to dinner, another ambulance. I am thinking that's weird because the system is set up to (A) talk to him through the device first (B) call my phone (C) call my sister's phone (D) as a last resort send an ambulance. I keep this to myself and say I wish he'd have told me he sent it back because it's like $50 a month and they have not canceled the fee.

I called Bay and asked them if they received the device back, which of course they had not. I said I'd like to cancel because it seems Dad isn't using it much. They said, oh, I'm sure he's using it, in fact it was just seen on our network in... oh, August of 2023, gee maybe he isn't using it. They have no record of sending out ambulances more than the two times I already know about right after he got it, once was an accident because he was washing his car and it detected him getting on the ground to wipe under fender, and once was because his blood sugar went below 30 and he fell nearly dead onto the kitchen floor.

Much to my surprise the nice lady at Bay was super easy about canceling, but of course they can't back-date that and refund me for 10 months of disuse. That's on me, I should have been checking it at least monthly.

Not long ago my dad mentioned that it seems like I'm always mad about something or saying he fucked up... I thought I was doing a better job keeping a good face on things. Here's hoping his blood sugar stays fairly level going forward.