Parenting your parents

Backstop said:

It's crazy to uproot my wife and myself for what's probably less than five years of Dad's declining health, right? But it seems heartless to move him out of his own house and probably take away his car and hobby car. And after he's gone... one could be in worse positions than to be 50+ and in a no-stairs house with plenty of room for activities. Hell my own wife is just coming off a broken ankle from simply missing the bottom stair.

Argh.

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FWIW our move to New Mexico was so we could be closer to my in-laws than we were. We already had them living on the same property as us, and that did not work out very well because my FIL acted like he owned the place, and that did not sit well with me and my wife. So keep that in mind.

Living nearby has been pretty good, now when my wife wants to go see them she can without booking flights, and when they need help we can make a short 40 minute trip to do so. I am not sure we will ever live under the same roof again, but we are able to help without doing so. Plus, the place they live is pretty podunk, so they come here for doctor appointments and major shopping anyway. Living here gives them a rest stop here in Las Cruces where they can use the (clean) restroom and grab some lunch.

Currently we're about 1:15 from my dad, and an hour from my wife's family. If we were to move where I'm thinking, we'd be maybe 30 minutes from his current area (where all his friends and clubs are) and as a side effect 20-30 minutes from my wife's various family. We are always the ones driving to visit family because it's only an hour to get down there, where for them it's a freaking hour to get up here. Neither of us have ever wanted to move back to our hometowns, but moving to, say, Akron wouldn't be that.

There's no inheritance to speak of on either side. I guess I feel like it's the right thing to do because my dad did something similar for grandma, when he moved away for work he made sure to buy a house with an in-law suite and moved her out there with him. I dunno. Without someone watching over him he just eats steak and ice cream, I'm sure either a facility or a joint house would be a benefit to his health. But I also don't relish the idea of spoon feeding him for how long. Sigh.

My sister as the remaining sibling who was living under my parents roof has become my mother's caregiver. At some point she was talking about not being able to take care of herself, and my sister not being "good" at it so she wondered what she could do.

I suggested assisted living, and she got so angry she wouldn't talk to me for awhile. The thing is her being a burden isn't anything to do with age, but by not doing anything to help herself.

I was hoping this last medical emergency would be a wake-up call, but it seems to have only triggered her to do less. Well, at least now she is using her insulin.

This is exactly what happened with my wife's aunt. Instead of doing the work to better her life, she just expected a medical miracle to appear and that she would be healed by going to the hospital. Well, that didn't work out as it caught up with her, and she died last month. This while she was expecting the hospital to get her back to health, and then be released to do nothing.

I wish there was some way to make people realize that if they do nothing to help themselves and actively sabotage their health then things won't just get better. Everyone has a line they reach when the body will no longer be able to keep working.

Stubborness

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Ugh. I feel this.

We have an assistant/caregiver (former nurse) that was originally hired to take care of my mother. When my mom passed we decided that we would keep her on to look after our dad since he's pushing 90 and needs help doing things.

But he won't let her help other than cleaning. Have her accompany him on walks for his exercise? Nope, he just walks "laps" within the house - unless I'm there then we actually go out. If I'm there (typically on days she's off) then I cook, but he doesn't let her do that for him. The other day he went halfway across town for a doctor's appointment and refused to let her come with him (not to mention that he didn't take a fuckin' cab, instead taking a much longer & more physically demanding trip via public transit - because that's free for seniors - despite him being pretty damn well off). It's very frustrating.

We don't want to let the assistant go because it takes a really long time to find someone, and don't want to be back in a situation where we need a caregiver like now and then be unable to find anyone for 6+ months again.

At some point our parents will need help. My mom…the wife and I will drop what we are doing to help. wife’s parents…something less. My mom drops shit to help us, the wife’s parents make it feel like we are burdening them to ask for assistance.

I have a conundrum.

I was home seeing my parents recently, first time in a long time to be honest, and noticed some behaviors from my father that have me a little concerned. Mom says the behaviors have been going on for a while, and he gets grumpy when asked about it. I asked him and he said that the behavior was just the result of being old and a slight muscle strain from messing around in his workshop. My gut feeling is that it's more than that, but what do I do?

whoisit said:

I have a conundrum.

I was home seeing my parents recently, first time in a long time to be honest, and noticed some behaviors from my father that have me a little concerned. Mom says the behaviors have been going on for a while, and he gets grumpy when asked about it. I asked him and he said that the behavior was just the result of being old and a slight muscle strain from messing around in his workshop. My gut feeling is that it's more than that, but what do I do?

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Ideally have your mom mention it to his doctor. Or you can.

It looks like he's punching someone in the gut with his left arm.

whoisit said:

It looks like he's punching someone in the gut with his left arm.

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Like kind of an involuntary, spasmodic motion? That's not muscle strain or being old.

Anyway, solidarity, y'all. Both my parents have generally been healthy as horses, but my dad had aortic bypass surgery and back surgery last year, and my mom has a weird-ass form of non-Hodgkins' lymphoma that's not getting worse at the moment but which is going to, and while they're both stable and fine right now.....they're elderly people all of a sudden, and my mom's getting a little forgetful, and I just know there's shit coming down the pipe I absolutely do not want to even think about.

I'm not to the Parenting My Parents stage yet, but the first step has been taken. They called me last night and asked if I'd be the executor of their estate. (They'd recently realized that they hadn't updated their wills since us kids were in elementary school.)

The executor thing has me torn. On the one hand, I'm probably the most qualified of my siblings. However, Sister #1 has always been the stereotypical bossy, spoiled princess and will cause endless drama and grief when end-of-life things start happening. Sister #2 and I get along great and will have no problems discussing anything from parental care to splitting up the estate.

If Sister #1 had been made executor, it's almost guaranteed that whatever final splitting of money and property had to be done, a good portion would end up "missing", IE she's owed it for handling the estate, and Sister #2 and I would just have to be grateful with whatever scraps she deigned to give us. Frankly I don't really care about the money, but there's a few heirlooms/mementos I'd like.

It's a weird feeling, made even more weird by the fact that Dad's mother is still alive, and he's the executor of her estate. Wasn't really expecting this for another 5-10 years.

cwbecker said:

It's a weird feeling, made even more weird by the fact that Dad's mother is still alive, and he's the executor of her estate. Wasn't really expecting this for another 5-10 years.

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It's definitely a weird feeling, but be VERY glad they are discussing it. It makes things so much easier for you (and them if it comes down to it). My step-mother (whom I never lived with) and my Dad made me executor of the estate. My brother got medical power of attorney, and I got financial power of attorney. They also set it all up as a trust so probate wouldn't be an issue. I have two-half sisters, and a step grand niece (I think) that were cut out. I don't think the sisters will be an issue at all, but the grand niece was very obviously eyeing her grandmother's money. Dad's still alive (but I'm handling the finance and the PoA has kept me from going nuts as he resets the password EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I simply went to the bank and got myself put on all the accounts, so I have my own access that doesn't rely on his account. Step-mother passed away several months ago and we moved dad closer to my brother (and me - still two hours away though)

cwbecker said:

I'm not to the Parenting My Parents stage yet, but the first step has been taken. They called me last night and asked if I'd be the executor of their estate. (They'd recently realized that they hadn't updated their wills since us kids were in elementary school.)

The executor thing has me torn. On the one hand, I'm probably the most qualified of my siblings. However, Sister #1 has always been the stereotypical bossy, spoiled princess and will cause endless drama and grief when end-of-life things start happening. Sister #2 and I get along great and will have no problems discussing anything from parental care to splitting up the estate.

If Sister #1 had been made executor, it's almost guaranteed that whatever final splitting of money and property had to be done, a good portion would end up "missing", IE she's owed it for handling the estate, and Sister #2 and I would just have to be grateful with whatever scraps she deigned to give us. Frankly I don't really care about the money, but there's a few heirlooms/mementos I'd like.

It's a weird feeling, made even more weird by the fact that Dad's mother is still alive, and he's the executor of her estate. Wasn't really expecting this for another 5-10 years.

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In Canada the executor has to apply if they want to charge more than .. damn, can't remember if it's 5% or 10% of the estate's whole value (pretty sure it's 5%) and before any bequests are made there is an audit of the executor's expenses.

I am not opposed to that system.

cwbecker said:

The executor thing has me torn. On the one hand, I'm probably the most qualified of my siblings. However, Sister #1 has always been the stereotypical bossy, spoiled princess and will cause endless drama and grief when end-of-life things start happening.

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Just to be clear. Executor gives you no power or authority "when end-of-life things start happening".

It only kicks in after death. That's a whole nother can of worms though.

Part of medical PoA means you need to talk about end-of-life life-ending decisions beforehand. Which should be done anyway.

I hadn't seen this thread until just now.

I haven't really had parents -- as in people where time / attention / resources / wisdom flows from them to me -- in well over a decade. And I've been parenting my mom in the legal sense (representative payee) since 2012 I think. At least my mom's in a good financial spot randomly, abruptly, and unexpectedly (backstory). That's a big, big relief to me. Almost like the time I paid off my student loans -- this cloud lifting off the future.

It's great that my wife still has her parents in the parenting role, but I really can't relate to it. Haha. My in-laws are fabulous, though. I look at them as role models about living modestly and happily, and traveling a shitload in their retired years, despite being poor enough to qualify for food stamps for a good part of my wife's early life. How they live regularly makes me consider the choices I make in my career. You don't really need to have millions stashed away to have a good retirement. Just pay off the house, cars, and any other debt, and have a source of regular income -- whether that's a pension, 401k, social security, IRAs, or a mix of all of the above. I think they live on like $5K/mo, and they travel internationally at least twice a year, and domestically twice a year. They're a great source of inspiration.

Anyway... my dad will probably die of cancer in the next two years. Likely with his faculties which is a very mixed bag. (My parents are not married to each other.)

I call my Dad in Canada every Wednesday, just to keep in touch as I'm kinda halfway around the planet here in Australia.

We generally just have a brief catchup on what's going on. He .. his memory isn't the best especially short-term. It's not impeding his ability to take care of himself (plus he has one of the neighbours come over every afternoon just to help out a bit & give him some company) and for the past few years he's often done things like say what the weather is like three times in a 10-minute conversation, but otherwise sharp as a tack.

Until this week, when he mentioned that my Mum was in the kitchen making dinner. I gently suggested "So what is <wonderful neighbour lady> making in the kitchen?" and he got a bit cross with "No, it's your Mother".

Who passed away heading for 5 years ago.

I didn't argue just changed the topic as there was ZERO value in fighting with him about it, just a sad moment.

Before anyone asks, we already have arranged PoA for financial & other legal matters with my brother & sister having control over that in case someone tries to take advantage of him or he tries to liquidate his savings etc - it's in their name but not mine because I don't live in Canada and you have to be resident to hold PoA, which makes sense and we're all on exactly the same page on this.

But still, a sign that things are starting to fade now that he's 85. Physically he's perfectly healthy and he can afford the best of care should it be needed, but a step in an inevitable direction that I kinda hoped he wouldn't face.

My Grandfather (on Mum's side) had Alzheimer's and at the end commented to his wife on a visit about how that nice lady from the church had come by yesterday and given him some home-made cookies - it was his wife who had been there yesterday and was the person he was talking to. Nearly 60 years of marriage and he didn't recognise her.

I dearly hope that never happens to me.

Sorry, just kinda hit me and this seemed an appropriate place to put this.

I dearly hope that never happens to me.

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My grandmother had alzheimers/dementia and it was the worst thing ever. She thought my Dad was a cousin who stole from the family, my Mom was a nurse and I was my best friend. She'd call my best friend me which was hard to understand for a 9-10 year old.

My older siblings basically high tailed it out of there and so they weren't ever around.

My dad is 87 and still there mentally(physically not so much) which is good. My Mom got a bit confused near the end but she died early (67 I think?) so it's hard to tell if it was alzheimers or just something else.

But yeah, I don't mind other things. But I really don't want to have that happen to me. I'd rather go out early and suddenly like my Mom than have to have my family deal with me going loopy.

Bardon said:

Nearly 60 years of marriage and he didn't recognise her.

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There is a book I randomly picked up to look at in a bookshop a few years ago. It was someone's autobiography about developing dementia. I guess they obviously wrote it before it got too bad. Anyway, I turned to a random page and in it she described tipping a shoebox of family photos onto her bed and looking through them, treasuring her memories of each person but knowing one day those photos would be of people she no longer knew nor recognised. Her relationships with them would be gone. What a cruel fate

Sorry, that wasn't very helpful. But anyone dealing with this has my sympathies.

My uncle has been deteriorating for the past few years, from Alzheimer's. At first it was just dementia, until other things started to show, at which point they began the tests to confirm it was Alzheimer's.

Now he lives alone in a care facility, even though his family (wife and kids) visit on a near daily basis. The facility is to help mitigate the physical outbursts that my aunt (his wife) cannot handle, them being in their late 70s and early 80s. Recently he's become a lot less violent, and almost like he's given up. He just lies in his bed or sits in his wheelchair. He's still cognitively there most days, but he almost seems like he doesn't care to go on anymore. He doesn't want to eat, he doesn't want to get up out of bed. He gets excited at the sight of his children and grandchildren, but that lasts maybe 15inutes before he's bored like a child with an old toy.

I can't really add anything more to the conversation about Alzheimer's, just that there's another victim of it, and it's a sad downhill ride. We're all trying to cherish these last few years before he's gone, so at least we hope to have a few more years before he's gone

I have three sets of parents effectively: My mom and her husband, my dad and his wife, and my in-laws.

My mom is currently in early stage dementia, and probably getting worse. Things aren't helped by her husband, who is an asshole and isn't really interested in changing his lifestyle to assist her. He's also about ten years younger than her, and reacts to suspicion anything my brother and I suggest, because he thinks we're going to try and pry mom (who is effectively his meal ticket in retirement - he made good money, but didn't save any of it) away from him. I personally don't give a shit about an inheritance, and mom has made it clear that she wants him taken care of, which I respect even if I don't like the guy. There's also some personal stuff between my mom and myself, in that she for a good chunk of my life thought I should go move into her basement far away from any place I could get gainful employment and somehow reinvent myself to do something that would make money near her. She still gets upset sometimes when I try to gently explain that no, I'm not interested in moving into the country and living on a farm. I mean like tears and guilt trip upset.

My dad - not sure where to start with him. He's a misogynistic asshole with anger management issues who I also happen to care a great deal about because we're actually a lot alike, other than the whole misogynistic asshole bit. That mainly comes from his anger management issues which he never got a hand on for whatever reason; he's very much a "there but for the grace of God go I" example I use. He's also an awful driver - the kind that cuts off semis and then brake checks them when he thinks they've upended his God-given right to do 90mph on the freeway. He had lung cancer a few years ago which got caught and dealt with, and effectively now has 40% lung capacity. He's married to a nice woman who is also ten years younger than him and is now terrified of him catching something and dying. The guy is 80, he's in a lot of pain due to his back for some reason he can't figure out, he's got some kind of GI issue he won't tell me about, and she's got him cooped up in a small rural town and constantly begs me to try and talk him out of traveling at all. She uses his driving as an excuse, but what she's really afraid of is him going to some public place and getting a bug that kills him; she'd rather he just stay home and not go anywhere at all. He's a fan of concerts and travel, and I can tell the conflict is causing them a lot of problems. I really need to talk to him about not driving any more, but I also need to talk to his wife and explain that he's probably going to drop dead fairly soon and letting him enjoy his last years is more important than keeping him home so he can stew on MSNBC 24/7. (At least it's not FOX)

My in-laws - FiL is starting to show some signs of dementia. I help him with his computer a lot via remote. 2-3 years ago the problems were "help me edit this formula in Excel." Now it's "Where did my data go?" - well, you moved the view window on the spread sheet over, you just need to drag the scroll bar back. That would be fine, except his wife and my MiL is a fucking nutcase. Her solution to anybody that worries her is to verbally abuse anybody who acts a way that she thinks they shouldn't; my FiL gets a lot of this, and it's aggravating the issue. She doesn't listen to anybody either; we're telling her she needs to learn to drive and do things herself since FiL can't/won't take her and she's just convinced if she doubles down and yells at him some more he'll get better. It doesn't help that he's hugely fearful of everything - this is a guy who ten years ago told us that we shouldn't go to movie theaters because we'll get shot. COVID just made it worse.

Sigh.

Ever seen that old movie "City Slickers"? Or how about "Cocoon" which is even older or even maybe "Grumpy Old Men"? How about "Parenthood" with Steve Martin? Even the superhero animated series "Invinicble" winds up touching on some of the themes of marriage and life and aging. The riddle of the Sphinx? That too covers it.

When you see your parents or inlaws current state of affairs, that's also you confronting your mortality. The same goes for any siblings in the picture.

In "The Matrix", when Morpheus explains why Neo is in the construct and appears as he was when in The Matrix, the answer is "residual self-image". When you walk around without looking in a mirror, do you still see yourself as at the youthful prime of your life, not realizing that you've already moved on to being uncle-zoned as Chris Rock complained, when he tried to get with Rihanna? And that you'll soon be just "grumpy old person" soon?

Couple that with filial piety not being as much of a thing in America with the dissolution of the so-called nuclear family, then that's that.

Of course, people have dealt with all kinds of trauma caused by family members, so there's a reason why people may look askance at the concept of filial piety in America.

But whatever terrible things you may be thinking about their current straits, just fast forward to 20 or 30 years down the road and you'll be on the other side of it.

Not everyone is very good at dealing with the reality of their lives, as you change and get older. I touched on that in one of the VR threads, but it's very much in the line of "adulting is hard" and "what is the meaning of my life" and etc.

I watched "Migration" this weekend with my daughter. Light, fun, but also in the picture was what to do about the old family member that is both loved and hated and tolerated, plus what happens when you run into a bunch of old people that may come across as downright creepy but aren't nearly that bad in reality.

The argument about hearing aids came up with Dad again recently. He acknowledges that they would help, but refuses to get them. I'm trying to convince him to get a free trial with one of the custom-fit places that does them around here, then he can test them out for 30 days to see how much of a difference they make, but his stubbornness is incredible.

He's just wilfully ignoring that getting hearing aids isn't just about him, but everyone who has to interact with him too. He laughed off the fact that Mum gets annoyed with him having the TV volume up so loud. I just don't know what else to say at this stage.

Cognac said:

I just don't know what else to say at this stage.

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Put a limiter on the TV volume? Or a noise level triggered strobe light?

Sorry, not helpful - just a suggestions for vicarious wish fulfillment.

Only my mom is left on my side, and my brother lives a few miles away, so hopefully he can take care of her if necessary, but her mom and her sister have died in the last few years, both from cancer. I suppose I should call her and ask if she's had all her screenings done. Better yet, I'll ask my wife, who is a nurse and the family go-to for medical stuff, if she's asked. My wife's mom also died to cancer years ago, but my FiL has remarried to an old family friend. He seems spry and is just as smart as he's been when I've known him, and maybe he'll even look into getting hearing aids, since both my wife and his wife were having problems communicating with him over the New years holidays.

Defenestrar said:

Put a limiter on the TV volume? Or a noise level triggered strobe light?

Sorry, not helpful - just a suggestions for vicarious wish fulfillment.

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Unfortunately he's retired and very with it. And also very tech savvy. Anything I put in he would spend the time to figure out and take out (and the likely event install it at my house with extra bells and whistles).

And honestly, in a battle of wits I'm not sure who would come out on top.

Maybe I should challenge him to a wrestling match. My joints are definitely in better shape.

Cognac said:

The argument about hearing aids came up with Dad again recently. He acknowledges that they would help, but refuses to get them. I'm trying to convince him to get a free trial with one of the custom-fit places that does them around here, then he can test them out for 30 days to see how much of a difference they make, but his stubbornness is incredible.

He's just wilfully ignoring that getting hearing aids isn't just about him, but everyone who has to interact with him too. He laughed off the fact that Mum gets annoyed with him having the TV volume up so loud. I just don't know what else to say at this stage.

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How about a set of airpods? All of the appeal of swanky tech (assuming he finds appeal in such things, and a compatible phone) and none of the old-man stigma of hearing aids.

My dad refuses a LifeAlert but will happily wear an Apple Watch which does everything a LifeAlert does and more.

KT421 said:

How about a set of airpods? All of the appeal of swanky tech (assuming he finds appeal in such things, and a compatible phone) and none of the old-man stigma of hearing aids.

My dad refuses a LifeAlert but will happily wear an Apple Watch which does everything a LifeAlert does and more.

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Not a bad suggestion. I'll try it out next time the subject comes up.

I predict a "I don't want to look like those damn millennials that are always with the podcasts!"

Cognac said:

KT421 said:

My dad refuses a LifeAlert but will happily wear an Apple Watch which does everything a LifeAlert does and more.

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Not a bad suggestion. I'll try it out next time the subject comes up.

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Another vote for Apple Watch - I got one for my 77 year old mom, but her big objection was cost. We got around that by folding Mom into my family plan & the cost of the watch was more than offset by the savings. I'd actually been trying to get that across the line for a while.

My mom is very conservative with her finances & suffers anxiety when she thinks she is out of money... I've gotten a ton of after midnight phone calls where she thinks she has $300 to her name, curiously exactly the same amount her father claimed when he was in similar state.

More in a following note - not going to wall-of-text you guys with a tangentially related response.

7z7

My in-laws have no retirement savings, and are fixed income/social security. We moved them up from Texas to Connecticut 2 years ago and their needs are increasing.

Several years prior they fell behind in property tax on their old place, & we paid it off for them when they were at risk of losing their house.

Later they let their insurance lapse, & couldn't afford to repair the roof when a tree dropped on it. We stepped in to help, but discovered a lot more work had been slipshod over the years, in particular a siding job that let water behind & rotted the external load bearing walls. Long story short, we patched things up short term because they couldn't get a building permit to fix the house without getting it formally condemned. The house literally had to be knocked down, & they only got a pittance for the empty lot, which they had to split with Uncle-in-Law (it was grandpa's house).

There's a lot more detail, but this is the shape of it. They needed help.

We paid for an apartment in their area while we hunted for a house for them closer to us. Our logic was that even though houses closer to us were more expensive, we'd be able to help them out with the house as well as get them closer to our kids. We bought them a modest place, taking equity out of our home and a disbursement from my retirement. Unfortunately the same housing market which gave us a boost in equity dramatically increased the cost of small homes, & we were competing against folk who were buying properties to rent. We are spread very thin after buying them a new house (our mortgage went up), & a recent furnace replacement for their house further drained us down.

Last week they met a predator in the form of a used car salesman. They have 15 months left on a 2015 Ford SUV (purchased used in 2020), & an outstanding recall. Helpful Ford salesman called them up to make an appointment for the recall. While you're here, we checked your brakes & they're unsafe - I can't let you leave with this car unless you can also pay for a $500 brake job.

They didn't have the money, so check out this offer: No money down and double your car payment on a slightly newer model of the same car. I haven't seen the paperwork they signed but it went from $300 to over $600 & believe it was greater than 20% interest. End result would be their "new" car getting repossessed in two months when they couldn't pay the bill. My wife went to war & got them out of the deal, but ended up paying for the brake job. I had literally spent the prior weekend replacing my wife's brakes & would have been happy to do theirs. As an aside, the tech disconnected the battery as part of their recall work & just set the positive power cable back on (didn't tighten it), which charged down/killed the battery & I ended up replacing that as well.

I am all smiles facing them, because there is a repeating pattern: if they feel they are a burden they don't tell us about things until they blow up and a bailout is needed. I'd love to turn this dealer into state attorney general or similar, but that too requires time and there may not be an upside (these same folks have their address & social security numbers & I have reason not to trust them). Jen routinely asks me to play good cop facing them so that we keep things positive and lines of communication open, because they go really pear shaped without visibility.

Money that should have gone into college savings for my eldest have gone to shoring them up, and I am very concerned that we will bankrupt ourselves bankrolling them. I think it's time to get a power of attorney for both of them & to manage more of their affairs, but I don't know that we can prevent them from making bad decisions. They don't have the wherewithal to get any assistance beyond us, and If they have a serious medical issue, they simply can't afford the care.

I have difficulty budgeting for the emergencies, & we already cover most of their monthly bills (the same pattern persists on anything we don't actively manage).

To all those in thread - I see you, and the struggle is real.

More in a bit?

7z7

7-Zark-7 said:

Money that should have gone into college savings for my eldest have gone to shoring them up, and I am very concerned that we will bankrupt ourselves bankrolling them. I think it's time to get a power of attorney for both of them & to manage more of their affairs, but I don't know that we can prevent them from making bad decisions. They don't have the wherewithal to get any assistance beyond us, and If they have a serious medical issue, they simply can't afford the care.

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I'm so sorry you're working through this.

Power of attorney will not allow you to control their finances, prevent them from signing their life savings away, or override any other of their own decisions. You can get them to agree to let you manage all of their own finances, but they can change their minds at any point in time - including when in the office with a predatory car guy. I believe the only way to take their control away is to essentially have a court declare them incompetent (which is rather difficult) and assign you (or someone) as the responsible party. I don't know enough if there are types of trusts that might be of assistance for you (there are types that can be voluntarily entered but not withdrawn).

It sounds like you're on the right track with respect to now owning the house they live in (so it can't be repossessed or counted as their assets). It depends a lot on the level of their fixed income, but at a certain point (if they keep making bad financial decisions) they'll qualify for Medicaid which isn't great but will cover outrageous medical bills. It sounds like you can provide shelter (and their income should go to necessities first like food/water/electricity and debts second). Let them go bankrupt and make sure everyone in the family knows to not pay for (or otherwise assume) any debts that collectors might try to come after you guys for. Debt will wipe out the estate, but it can't be inherited and is absolutely not the family's responsibility to cover.

We're in a similar situation with my mother-in-law's medical care and her husband absolutely won't cooperate with anyone else (or even let us help organize) their finances. They have a reasonable income (but we don't think any savings) between pensions, social security, and disability - but we know it's spent and can't see where most of it goes. We're worried he's spending money that she's going to need for long term care. It really sucks and has emphasized the need for my wife and I, when we get old enough, to know when to put our important stuff (like the house) in trusts (or whatever) and hand it over to someone else to manage.

Tom the Melaniephile said:

So, does he care about dying?

Using hearing aids is associated with reduced mortality compared to hearing impaired but not using them.

https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanhl/article/PIIS2666-7568(23)00232-5/fulltext

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You would think so. But he's already explicitly stated that he's not going to stop doing activities that have resulted in hospital visits before. Including prospecting, alone, in the desert. And when we had that conversation he was not impressed.

So I got up at 1am last night because that's the best time to catch my Dad (10am his time) and it's Friday night so I can sleep in the next morning.

His cleaning lady answered, letting me know that she found him prone on the floor, too weak to get up and not knowing how long he'd been there.

There was dried blood on the pillow in his bed, apparently from the head wound he sustained when he fell two days ago and had to go to the ER.

I called my siblings and just like me, they had no idea that he'd fallen nor that he'd been taken by ambulance to the ER the other day!

Now, the lady across the street who looks in on him handled all that but she didn't inform me, my brother or sister! We all found out about a serious fall with head injury two days later and not at her initiative!

So we spoke for quite a while last night - my brother is going to see Dad tomorrow and we're going to get full-time live-in help for him, this was a hell of a scare. Dad went back to the ER for the latest and he's in the hospital for observation.

Just venting a bit, very unhappy that none of the family were informed of a serious fall and worried about Dad. He's just turned 86 and while physically he's been fine up to this point, his cognition and memory are definitely starting to go which is why the Aussie side of the family (myself, wife, son, son's lady) are going up in June for a visit.

Feb 2019 I got a call "You should come here ASAP" so I scrambled and flew out 2 days later. Mum passed away 2 days after I got there.

I cannot deal with a repeat of that.

Bardon said:

So we spoke for quite a while last night - my brother is going to see Dad tomorrow and we're going to get full-time live-in help for him, this was a hell of a scare.

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It was a struggle to get that done for my parents, my mom in particular was stubborn about paying to have help as opposed to what can be had covered through Medicare (Canada), but also it took a long time to finally find someone. In the last few months of my Mom's life it was a huge help though (we had a live-in person 5 days a week, and my brother & I covered the weekends & gave extra support a couple of other nights/week).

We kept that help after she passed to assist our dad, but he's still stubborn about needing assistance himself, so she doesn't have a ton of stuff to do compared to before. But I figure it's worth the expense to not have to scramble if he suddenly goes from "managing mostly ok" to suddenly "needs help all the time". On the other hand the house has never been cleaner since it was built.

Dad’s in assisted living and he wants the ability to print (see this thread). Based on the discussion there I believe I have a solution that will work and is dead simple, but suggestions still keep coming in that require more cognitive ability than I think he has left. He’s 89 and really struggling with memory, focus, and the ability to work things through. No dementia, just age related cognitive decline. I’m still surprised at people preferring solutions that my wife (30 years younger) would struggle with.