As a host of a large affair, my obligations to guests are…

Scotttheking said:

For me, this covers accommodating dietary restrictions as a key marker.

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Hah. My wife and I love to cook for people (she does the fancy stuff in the colder months, I barbecue in the summer). We have two primary groups we cook for:

My wife's family, whose dietary requirements include: one diabetic, one gluten intolerant, one pescatarian, and one very fussy teenager.

Our mutual friends. Amongst the usual group we have: one lactose intolerant who may or may not be eating meat at any given time, one very picky eater, one vegetarian with a surprisingly long list of vegetarian staples they won't eat, and one vegetarian with a potentially fatal nut allergy.

We don't entertain as often as we'd like, but probably about as much as we can cope with…!

…Oh. I forgot to include myself in the list of dietary hurdles when cooking for people! Fish* allergy. Not life-threatening or anything, but even a small amount of cross-contamination is enough to leave me needing to spend the next 8-12 hours withing sprinting distance of a toilet. You spotted the pescatarian in my first post, right…?

*Not all fish/seafood. The occasional prawn that might accidentally make its way into a Chinese meal seems to be fine, but I'm not prepared to work out by trial and error exactly which aquatic species trigger the reaction. Not frogs, either, it turns out.

It depends on the event. If people are travelling to a thing that I'm putting on specifically I will go out of my way to host them while they are in town. Need a room to stay? We've got you. And if we don't? We'll sort it out for you. Are we cooking the meal and you have requirements? No worries at all, everyone is welcome and should feel welcome. Tell us what you need.

But if it's not an event that I would want people to travel to see me for then there's, I think, less expectation on us at the hosts as well. Having said that, I'll never not cater to someone's dietary requirements, or even requests. If you're coming to my house then I'll absolutely make sure there's something there for you to eat.

Even more so if there's an event with a paid caterer. I've genuinely switched providers for this when I've gone to the ones we had originally selected, with plenty of notice, and asked if we can add some special requirement meals and their response wasn't 100% yes. I'm paying decent money to have you and your team at my event. I'll pay you per head. But if I have a special meal requirement and you say no, what am I supposed to tell that guest?

If people are coming here, to Vermont, I like to have a range of activities lined up. Hiking, kayaking, or skiing depending on the season and the inclination of the guests. Some scenic towns to visit, perhaps a museum. Since I'm rather rural, this avoids the "everyone sitting around my house looking at the internet" issue.

I'll cook for guests and be mindful of their dietary restrictions. I also have several favorite restaurants that will get a visit, if there's time.

I would say somewhere between 2nd and 3rd option, depending on a few variables. If it's a massive gathering (100+ people at a wedding or whatever) then I can't reasonably play host to all of them for the duration of the entire trip. I can and will of course do whatever I can to ensure they have great lodging, recommendations for food and things to do while in town, but I can't be there for everyone the entire time.

For the specific question of food allergies, accommodating that at an event I am hosting is non-negotiable. In my family of 4 we navigate both Celiac and a nut allergy. I would expect any host to do the best they could for us. I do not expect guaranteed no cross-contamination, I do not expect the same meal everyone else has, but I do expect my family to have something safe to eat. I would certainly do the same for anyone I hosted, and would not work with a venue/caterer who couldn't deal with that requirement.

Vince-RA said:

I do not expect guaranteed no cross-contamination, I do not expect the same meal everyone else has, but I do expect my family to have something safe to eat. I would certainly do the same for anyone I hosted, and would not work with a venue/caterer who couldn't deal with that requirement.

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Agreed.

The dietary thing should be a given, everything after that I'd start breaking up into degrees of separation for both the event and the relation to the event host.

Something like a wedding I'd expect more things taken care of than a graduation for example. Not necessarily paid for but "here's some places to stay while you're in town".

Same goes with say grandparents versus Joe random I went to college with 20+ years ago. You're a good guy Joe but I think you can find your own hotel room. Granny Scifi will get travel and lodging taken care of.

I don't have anyone who would be international but I can imagine that throws the calculus off entirely.

For me, the focus ends at the event itself unless it's family. I'd maybe give friends recommendations for what to do while in town, or figure out some times to meet beforehand.

In the case of food allergies, you should make options available for people. If it's a buffet/potluck you should include ingredient lists with the food.

Recognising people's wish to do their own thing or take advantage of being somewhere they would not normally be, I would default to "organize all the things". At the very least, have options that are exactly that - optional.

JimCampbell said:

Hah. My wife and I love to cook for people (she does the fancy stuff in the colder months, I barbecue in the summer). We have two primary groups we cook for:

My wife's family, whose dietary requirements include: one diabetic, one gluten intolerant, one pescatarian, and one very fussy teenager.

Our mutual friends. Amongst the usual group we have: one lactose intolerant who may or may not be eating meat at any given time, one very picky eater, one vegetarian with a surprisingly long list of vegetarian staples they won't eat, and one vegetarian with a potentially fatal nut allergy.

We don't entertain as often as we'd like, but probably about as much as we can cope with…!

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This kind of spans the spectrum of dietary restrictions.
I think the obligation of the host includes accommodating the following:
medical related restrictions (diabetes, lactose and gluten intolerance, allergies) <-- because these are a real threat
religious/conscience derived restrictions as far as reasonable <-- because this is basic decency

And I won't lean in to fucking with people who have common phobias. No simulated spiders and snakes and such. Or holding my event on a vertigo inducing glass bottom bridge.

If people want to be fussy though, not my concern. They can get over themselves and pretend they're a functioning member of society for the duration of the event.

Shavano said:

If people want to be fussy though, not my concern. They can get over themselves and pretend they're a functioning member of society for the duration of the event.

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This bit annoys the shit of me, TBH. In the case of the fussy teenager I mentioned upthread…? We invited the family over for a barbecue. My barbecues are… quite elaborate. I cook whole joints of meat on charcoal. I will happily devise interesting vegetarian options. I'm not fucking around, here. The (frankly, over-indulgent) parents said: "Oh, they'll be fine with some paneer and a few vegetables on a skewer."

Oh, will they? Because we live in a small town with limited options for 'exotic'* ingredients. We can get halloumi. No, it has to be paneer. So, what you actually want is for us to fucking make paneer in addition to the two joints of meat, the chicken thighs, sausages, the vegetable option, all the other stuff I'm doing. They'll be fine with that, will they? Oh, that's just fucking lovely.

Y'know, one of the key social skills you can teach your kid is that sometimes you have to eat something you might not want to because it's fucking polite.** I'm not asking for them to violate a religious principle. I'm not asking them to eat something they're fucking allergic to. They're not even a fucking vegetarian. I'm going to spend about two hours over a hot grill, sweating my arse off and getting liberally coated with meat fat and now you want me to fucking make cheese…?!

GAAH! Sorry. Deep breath. Sorry… rant over.

*For values of 'exotic' in a town whose main supermarket puts the fucking dried spaghetti in the 'foreign foods' section.

** I mean, Jesus, I don't know how many mediocre roast dinners, how many shitty pizzas, how many just-not-very-good meals, I've eaten over the years out of social obligation. And it's fine. If it's not going to actually fucking poison me and I want to spend time with the other people at the table…? It's fine. Fuck's sake.

that's internet rant of the day material right there.

I feel like I'm in the vast minority here.
I invited you. Here is what I am doing for <food><drink><event><whatever>.
You want something different? You host, or bring it along, or just don't come.
The End.

Probably why I so rarely host anything.

Event planner.
used them for work functions, eventually wised up to use them for family/friends when more than about 18 guests
everybody is happier

halse said:

Event planner.
used them for work functions, eventually wised up to use them for family/friends when more than about 18 guests
everybody is happier

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everybody except your wallet.

Diabolical said:

I feel like I'm in the vast minority here.
I invited you. Here is what I am doing for <food><drink><event><whatever>.
You want something different? You host, or bring it along, or just don't come.
The End.

Probably why I so rarely host anything.

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I've only hosted a few things, most significantly my wedding. We invited several hundred guests and that was basically our approach, and is similar to what we do for our kids generally. 'Here are a few tasty options, have as much or as little as you like'. There were enough options to choose from for most people, but we couldn't cover every edge case from a group that large (nothing can even be in the same room as nuts, nothing meat-related can even look at my food, etc).

I combine 2 and 4. Tacos are pretty perfect as you can accommodate nearly everyone with a selection of options.

Gluten free is handled by getting corn tortillas. Everything else can be managed with different toppings, meats, etc.

Wow, I thought we did alright at our wedding with close family staying in our apartment, and discounted rooms in our venue. We had the rehearsal dinner that was kind of a shitshow, but everyone ate and we fed everyone in our apartment.

Now I am thinking we should have had a couple of family events, and potentially a lunch or dinner for extended family that made it to the wedding. Maybe for our renewal of vows next year?

JimCampbell said:

Oh, will they? Because we live in a small town with limited options for 'exotic'* ingredients. We can get halloumi. No, it has to be paneer. So, what you actually want is for us to fucking make paneer in addition to the two joints of meat, the chicken thighs, sausages, the vegetable option, all the other stuff I'm doing. They'll be fine with that, will they? Oh, that's just fucking lovely.

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Fussy eaters can just go hungry.

"Oh, I'm so very sorry, no Paneer was available in a 1-foot radius around me. Neither, for that matter, was a place setting for you."